Booklography

Hi there, it’s Dozie here again. So while we’re taking a break from the ‘Once Upon A Corper’ thingy (I think the writer ran out of interesting corper stories to talk about.) How bout we talk a little bit about novels- and by ‘we’ I mean me. Yep, I’m the author around here, I’ll tell you my opinion and you can comment thereafter.

If you’re not a novel person, don’t be in such a hurry to leave here- you actually might enjoy it. And in sequel to this would be a movie discussion. (Again, by ‘discussion’ I mean I’ll talk and you’ll listen) for yours truly. If you are neither into novels nor movies… No! There won’t be a porn discussion here… Perv!

Anyways, back to the main topic of discussion. I want to talk about fiction authors, and as a fervent book reader I believe I’m qualified enough to do that. Just to clarify issues, if you’re here expecting to read about Charles Dickens, William Shakespear or Chinua Achebe, you might as well close this page right now and wait for my Dad’s Father’s version of this blog.

Ok, with that sorted out, shall we begin? I’ll like to start with my favorite must-not read…

Stephen King:

Stephen writes the kind of books that will keep you in suspense till the very end. And when you’re done, you’ll sit quietly for about a minute with your mind blank- after which you’ll scream ‘What da hell!’ because you’ve just realized those few days you spent reading the book have been totally wasted- and then if you have the right temper, you’ll proceed to burn the book. If you have that ‘right’ temper by the way, you should really see a therapist.

I’ve read two of this dude’s books. The first was “The Green Mile”. A book that wasn’t horror or tragedy but ending up fulfilling none of the agendas that it was about. And to top it off, every freaking character in the book died. I nearly cried… at having wasted so many days reading it (the book is pretty large). Back then, I really didn’t take cognizance of the writer’s name, a mistake I paid for dearly years later when I read ‘The Gunslinger’. That’s the last though, nothing is ever making me open a Stephen King again.

W.E.B. Griffin:

He’s a pretty good writer, I’ll tell you that. However, Griffin has a habit of writing in a Wartime scenario but somehow pretty much avoiding any real action. Reading his books, you’ll read of arsenals being transported, human soldiers being positioned, camps readying for war… and then the book would end. You’ll have enjoyed yourself, but you’ll be a little bit disappointed cos you were really hoping for a written version of Call of Duty.

Danielle Steel:

Dunno why I’m putting this here- I don’t do romance anymore. Just felt like informing you that with this Lady’s book, you don’t need to watch porn. She explains romantic and sexual scenes in such invigorating and ecstatic inducing details. So guys, if you see any girl reading a Danielle Steel, she’s in her head watching the exact same thing you have choking up the memory space on your phone.

Well, it’s still moderate compared to…

50 Shades of Gray:

This book is hard porn, plain and simple. I can’t recall the author’s name and I didn’t care enough to Google it. I was hearing the name of the book so much, hearing about it breaking so many records that I rushed to get it hoping for a classic. I got annoyed after a few pages and started skimming through, that’s when I realized the true contents. After that I closed it, and never touched it again.

Yes, I really closed it… you perv!

Sidney Sheldon:

I’ve sadly read only two of this guy’s books. I can tell you this for a certainty, he’s real good. Pick up a Sidney Sheldon today, I doubt you’ll regret it.

But if you do, please recall I did mention I had read only two.

John Grisham:

I used to avoid this name when book shopping. I always guessed from his titles he’ll be a boring writer. It’s a mistake I’m regretting now. I read one of his books recently (The Testament), after been pressurized by a girl, and it had the ‘Wow’ effect on me. I was on page 2 and totally smiling, only Harry Potter has ever had that instant effect on me. I’m presently hunting for his books to read, I now have faith in him.

J.R.R. Tolkien:

He wrote ‘Lord of the Rings’ by the way, just in case you were wondering. Just one advice, don’t waste your time reading the book, watch the movie. No amount of writing can better the visual relish of watching Arragorn swinging on Orcs with his sword or Legolas firing his arrows. It’s probably the only book I’ve ever read that I preferred the movie.

Stephenie Meyer:

She wrote the Twilight series. It was worth reading those books. Way better than the films that spent hours showing us Bella brooding. Whether you’ve watched the movies or not, I still recommend you get the books if you can and read them.

Robert Ludlum:

This Dude is awesome, period! He wrote the Bourne series as well as many other breathtaking novels. A king in action-thriller writing. If you’re looking for some real action reading, throw away that Griffin and go find a Ludlum. Once he ventured into action-comedy and still excelled. My best novel from his collection is still one of the action-comedies, The Road to Gandolfo.

Dan Brown:

I respect and appreciate Dan Brown. He not only entertains, he also educates. His novels always have detailed descriptions and insights on science and art. His novels revolve around one fictional figure, Robert Langdon, who is a Professor of Symbolism. Read a Dan Brown and he’ll take you through a trip of art history, scientific wonders and discoveries as well as his personal favorite, Symbolism and Mysticism. Are you an insatiably curios individual like I am? Or want to read more intriguing facts about stuff like the Illuminati? Then you should be reading a Dan Brown. His book, Da Vinci Code, is the sixth most read book in the world.

I should add, his most recent novel, “Inferno”, is his best ever. In between enlightening us on Dante’s poem and its interpretation, discussing key figures of the Renaissance era, Dan Brown still managed to fuse in enough action and suspense. When I got to the end, I spent like ten minutes wondering and marveling how I had completely mistaken identities and plots throughout the book.

James Clavell:

Had it not been for the woman below, he would have been my number one. He’s a master in Asian Classics having served time there as a POW (Prisoner of War) during the World War. James novels are ‘slow reads’, with no specific plot or goals. His books aren’t the type you rush. He takes you slowly, piece by piece immersing you in the cultures and settings of the scenario he’s using. You can’t read a Clavell and regret it. I’ve read nearly all his books. “Shogun” was my first. After reading it, I felt pretty much like a Japanese. I couldn’t possibly exaggerate the perfection of his books. Please, if you’re a reader and haven’t read any of his books, start searching.

J.K. Rowling:

Anyone who knows me well, right from secondary school would have seen this coming. If you do not know the name, she wrote Harry Potter. That phrase alone should be all you need to understand why she’s my top choice. This woman created an entire world on her own! The Harry Potter series is the ‘best-selling book series in history’. The last four books consecutively set records, each being broken by the next, as the fastest selling book in history with the final book selling approximately 11 million copies in the United States alone within its first 24hrs on sale. If those stats alone can’t convince you why she’s number one, then I don’t know what will. I’ve reread the whole Harry Potter series more than thrice, and it still intrigues me. It’s the best story ever written and thus I’ll give her the best author’s title even if I haven’t read any of her non-Harry books.

And if some bullshit superstition is withholding you from reading the books, I can only say to you “Sorry!”

And oh, if this was a “Rich authors” list, she’ll be topping that too!

So, there goes my list. Thank you for reading and letting me express myself freely at the expense of your time once again. You think I excluded some truly good names? Be my guest, mention them. You think Stephen King didn’t deserve my criticism? You can say so… but don’t be my guest- I can’t trust any Stephen King fan.

If you know every name mentioned here, and have read books written by each one of them- way to go… Nerd!

Let’s do this again some other time, shall we?

 

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4 thoughts on “Booklography

  1. Nicely put and a dart-in-the-bullseye approach. I love the venom you injected into Stephen King’s literary bloodstream. So far I have read only two of his books and I must say that I wasn’t impressed at all. He uses obscene languages without restraint…even when I read his nonfictional work ‘on writing’.
    I haven’t read any of John Grisham’s works yet. I have been told that a John Grisham is a book for legal minds…but I’ll read one someday.
    Ahhh…Robert Ludlum is sui generis! Read The Icarus Agenda and I felt myself inflating like a balloon.
    J.K.Rowlings… till date, I haven’t fully recovered from the ‘stupefied curse’ that she issued from her literary magic wand.
    Dan Brown is another well-liked author. I’ve read all his works and they are heavyweight champions in their respective circle. He altered my ‘secular perception’.
    You forgot to mention Dean Koontz…

    1. Lol thanks. I knew someone would notice Dean missing. I’ve read only one of his books and it was a horror…didn’t feel like I knew him enough to write about him.

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